It’s 10:00 p.m. and according to my new diet book, I shouldn’t be drinking alcohol or watching television before bedtime. Instead, I’m having a glass of wine, sitting on the floor in front of my laptop, and watching bad WE TV. (The Women’s Network Television.) Tonight’s feature is Thelma & Louise. I can hear all the men gasping as they read this. But this is not about Thelma & Louise or retribution by women. It’s about the myriad of painful and lengthy television commercials they show while they cut out pieces of the movie. And for those smart asses with a solution, NO, I don’t have a DVR, so I am one of the few that sits through tons of horrid commercials because if I am watching WE TV on the floor with a glass of wine, I am entirely too lazy to get up or change the channel.
In fifteen minutes I am told about how to control my period, fix my wrinkles, where to buy the best ink for my printer, how to get rid of more wrinkles, where I should meet the mate of my life, what to do if I have athlete’s foot, heartburn or arthritis, and where to shop for clothing and shoes. Oh let’s not forget that I should eat fake butter that tastes like plastic as opposed to maybe eating real butter and just limiting it. Oh I also need to learn to do laundry more efficiently, and as if I didn’t have enough to do, I can log on to WE TV and sign up for lots of free shit.
Of course, despite the fact that I had moved on from productivity on my laptop, I still could not stop watching Thelma & Louise, so I hung on and endured more bad television commercials. With that comes more info on how to save myself from my fat self by not eating any more, and then, if and when I decide to binge eat, which hot dogs are the best. Those are “Hebrew National” hot dogs. I didn’t know Hebrews even ate hot dogs! I’m so confused I don’t know whether to starve myself to skinny or eat an entire package of all natural hot dogs with no beef fillers.
By the end of the movie, I have now made a list of several things I need to do. I need to call everyone I know and tell them I love them, get my prescription glasses updated, brush my teeth, color my hair, purchase wrinkle cream from three different manufacturers, buy tanning lotion, comfortable tampons, and to get my employees everything they need like a color printer, insurance, a new chair, a Dell computer, and an F*n happy face for their desk!
Now that my list is three pages, I am entirely stressed out and definitely in no shape to fall asleep. I need to get wart medicine just in case any way!
My all time favorite Quote!
“She’s a world-class racehorse. She’s not going out for Cosmopolitans in four Jimmy Choos.” Jason Gay for The Wall Street Journal.