The elderly, children, and animals need protection.  They can easily fall prey to cruelty and mistreatment, so it is up to us, the able-bodied and strong, to take care of them.  But sometimes, it’s hard not to laugh at them.  For instance, we take video of our children falling on their faces and throwing tantrums, dress up our pets in silly costumes, and make fun of old people constantly.  Karma, being what it is, and if we are not nice now, she will come back to haunt us later.

This  posting came to my mind when my boyfriend and I were trying to figure out how to handle a one year-old dog with a limp.  The veterinarian told us that she would eventually grow out of the limp.  A year later, she still limps.  Now our fourteen year-old dog limps too.  I guess they are learning from each other.  So we did some Internet research,  and as some of my regular readers know, I love the truth, so I went straight for Wikipedia – ha!  Anyway, we decided on a Chondroitin / Glucosamine supplement. I sent my boyfriend to the closest drug store that sells supplements for people.  Why pay extra for dog supplements that have the same ingredients, right?  He came home with two small bags of chewable Chondroitin / Glucosamine supplements pretending to be caramel wrapped tightly in a bright silver foil package.  Not good if you are trying to protect children from poison posing as candy, okay for animals I guess, and good lord, not sure an old person can even handle them!  Of course, the dogs had no idea what they were eating as they failed to chew and enjoy the caramel flavor, and definitely didn’t appreciate all the work that went into unwrapping the supposed supplement.  After a few weeks of pre-unwrapping supplements for the next feeding with no improvement, the caramel flavored miracle supplement ended up in the back of the pantry.

Wondering how all this relates to protecting old people?  I was cleaning out the pantry and found the two bags of disguised caramel.  I didn’t want to waste delicious supplements, so I decided to start taking them for myself.  I had one.  It was horrible, grainy tasting, and took quite a while to chew up.  I suspected after a few months of eating these supplements my knees would feel better, but I would have jaw problems.  I then decided to take them to work.  You know how you have a lot of leftover food from an event or birthday, and you unload all the extras on your co-workers thinking they are all pigs and will eat anything, except that it sits in the office kitchen for several days, and then mercifully gets thrown away when no one is looking?  When I dumped the supposed caramel off at work, I thought I would give them another chance. I set them right next to the candy bowl full of chocolate which made me feel guilty.  After ten minutes of wrestling with the wrapper, I popped a rectangular square of God-knows-what into my mouth and began chewing.  Then I noticed someone had added a bright pink sticky note on the package that said “Contains Shellfish and Soy!”  I would have never thought to look for those two ingredients before eating anything, but then again, I’m not allergic to Shellfish and Soy.  Not sure if someone went running for help and gasping for air.

After almost vomiting in my mouth, I wondered how an old person would actually be able to utilize this supplement?   Is this what we do to old people?  Do we trade flavor for convenience and hide secret ingredients that could kill them?  First, it would take an elderly person an eternity to unwrap one of these.  Tools needed to open and eat one would include: a pair of glasses, a magnifying glass, strong jaws, time (lots of time), no taste buds, and actual teeth.  Then I started thinking about all the other things elderly people need help with, like using scissors, tying their shoes, checking glucose levels after eating imitation caramel, blood pressure checks as they are gasping for air, diapers that look good under pants and dresses (only babies, human or monkey, look cute in diapers), and so much more!

It’s funny how we feed babies yummy sauces and pureed veggies, but we feed old people grainy, silty protein shakes and Metamucil.  Even baby wipes seem to be nicer and smell better.  Is it because elderly people are not as cute and soft?  They are a lot like babies in that they have no teeth, no hair, can’t see or hear well, their motor functions are slow, and some of them can’t walk or wipe themselves.  Do we judge because they have already lived their life, and babies are just starting out with no baggage or saggy butt cheeks?  Even so, I wouldn’t wish these horrible alleged caramel flavored supplements on anyone.  I would also recommend Gerber create an entire line of elderly people food in little plastic jars that do not require strength to open.  Elderly people also need sleep mobiles, plastic mattress covers, and onesies.  I’m willing to create an entire line of convenience foods and clothing for the elderly, if someone is willing to manufacture, market, distribute and sell it. Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be caramel flavored.

Carpe Diem!

A group of my peers thought I would be a great host coordinator for a national convention.  When they called me and asked me if I would, I readily accepted and then laughed.  They had no idea I would use my blog to glean ideas.  This may be the best convention yet!

As host, I couldn’t plan a convention alone and do have a talented and dedicated committee. Part of our plan is to have a social event, which is to take place in a museum.  This is not a normal museum, but one that commemorates the assassination of a US President and is in the middle of a downtown area.  We got the place on the cheap, and it was aptly located to the hotel.  And yes, the memorabilia is really cool, but it is a “social event,” and we want people to mingle with each other.  So we needed ideas, and here is what one brainstorming session got us:

1.  Do a scavenger hunt.  Really?  You want to send people out into a downtown area, at night, in a strange city, looking for items for a scavenger hunt.  Although it is not Manhattan, Detroit or Houston, it is still a bit sketchy at night.  In fact, I was mugged in broad daylight in the middle of the week!  And if you get lost, you are screwed.  But nevertheless, I think most people would survive.

2.  Have people dress up like the Kennedy family.  I actually liked this idea, but then I thought about it, and most of them are dead.  So not only are we in a museum to commemorate a dead president, but we would be dressing up like all of his dead relatives.  Why don’t we just call it a zombie fest?  Hey, that’s not a bad idea! 

3.  Put signs on people’s backs.  No, not the “kick me” signs, but names of famous people from our city and other people would have to give them hints as to who they are.  Considering that some people may be wearing silk or $400 suits, maybe taping or pinning a sign to someone’s clothing is not be a good idea.  And everyone would want to be JR or Sue Ellen from the show “Dallas.”

4.  Karaoke – just kidding.

Planning a convention, or any large event, is not as fun or easy as many would think.  If I did event planning for a living, I think I would enjoy it more.  But for right now, it feels like I’m rounding up cats.  I’m not talking about my committee, but all of the other people who are coming in to educate, entertain, set up, feed us, etc.  Unfortunately, I am eye-ball deep in and can’t quit now.  I need some additional entertainment ideas.

Please feel free to share with me any good, legal, legit idea to entertain 150 people in one small museum commemorating a dead president.  I’m all ears.

Carpe Diem