Monthly Archives: January 2011

After the Holidays – Thank U’s From Hell


If you were wondering what to do with those old thank you cards embellished with smiley faces and rainbows purchased ten years ago at a garage sale for .50, wonder no longer.  Its time to write those thank you notes, even for those not so thoughtful or eccentric gifts.  Therefore, I present “Thank U’s From Hell.”

Scenario 1:
Your boy/girl friend, husband/wife, significant other waited until Christmas Eve to take the time to shop.  Note, they did not ponder, they went directly to the shopping.  The only problem is he/she waited until 11:45 pm on the eve of Christmas to make sure you were asleep.  Once they confirmed your dream induced state, they slipped out of the house and found the closest 24-hour drug store or convenience store.  So now you are the proud owner of a Snuggy with purple dinosaurs pictured on it, Oakland Raiders’ slippers, a pocket knife, a tire gauge, and some left over Halloween candy.  Now, now, its the thought that counts.

“Dear Bob/Dolores, thank you so much for the crap you bought me on Christmas Eve.  I love it.  Next time you might want to let the car warm up so it doesn’t back fire on your way to 7-11.”
Love . . . .

Scenario 2
A co-worker, and strictly a co-worker, gives you  a handcrafted piece of work from their 4 year old child, grandchild, niece, nephew or nanny’s child, grandchild . . .  Unfortunately you have no idea what it is, what it is supposed to be, what its function is, if any, and would have preferred a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“Dear Harry/Linda, thank you so much for the prize.  It is proudly displayed at my home.”  Need I say more.

Scenario 3
Your book club decided to spend yet another week not discussing the book you chose, and have a secret Santa party.  Yeah!  Everyone quickly prepared for the party by drawing names, setting a price limit and immediately ditching the book, “The Cat Who Came for Christmas” for the third year in a row.  Darn.  The party arrives, the wine flows, and the gifts are passed out.  Despite your attempt to elicit very specific gifts within the price limit, your secret Santa went all out.  The sheer surprise on your face was joy enough for your secret Santa when you unwrapped your new shampoo and raw diet book.  Just what you wanted, to starve to death and smell good doing it.

“Dear Kelly/Frank, thank you so much for the thoughtful gifts.  I’m sure I will love the Kumquat & Brown Spice shampoo.  I will be sure to share some yummies from the new raw diet book if I don’t eat it first.  Hee hee, just a joke.  Love Kathy Bates.”

As we get older, that old saying starts to have true meaning, “if you want something done you have to do it yourself.”  So if you want the magic of Christmas, forgot it.

Carpe Diem from Hell!