Monthly Archives: April 2009

The Guy-Friendly Wooden Indian

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What’s so great about having my very own blog is I can change it up any time I want to, just like my hair, clothes, furniture layout . . .. And in an effort to always keep things interesting, change is important. This principle applies to any area of life. And, I would not have this blog if it were not for the excruciatingly slow moments in my life that I should be thankful for. I’m more thankful about the ability to change my underwear when I want. (Inside joke that only my mother would get).

Other than the internet, three newspapers, and some cheesy wall hangings, there is nothing interesting in my office. But for some reason when a man walks in the door, they find this office extremely interesting. They look at me, and then their eyes are immediately diverted to the corner of the room. Their faces light up and they stand up taller with a gaping mouth. Once their brains begin to register again, they exclaim, “Wow, that is cool!” And Vinny, don’t deny it, you did the exact same thing. No, it’s not a picture of a centerfold.

What makes all the men giddy when they visit is a very old, cracked, dried out Wooden Indian. (See picture below). I have yet to figure out the attraction. Women see him as a big waste of space, including me since my desk is right next him. He has not started talking to me yet, so I see no need for him to hang around.

Therefore, in an effort to make the day more lively, I offer to sell him every time a man comments on the great Wooden Indian in the office. I have been told that this would be a grave mistake and its owner does not want to part from him. I figured if the price is right, he won’t mind. There was a delivery guy that actually considered the sale. I couldn’t believe it. Now, each time I attempt to sell him the price goes up. It’s well over $5,000. Recently, I took a peek at eBay’s offerings of wooden indians. There were only two that measured up. He is about 7′ tall you know. They were priced from $1,800 to $2,400. The Wooden Indian that peers over me all day is much nicer looking too.

I can’t wait for the day that the owner walks in as the Wooden Indian is being wheeled off on a dollie as I enjoy the zeros written on a big fat check. Maybe then we can actually get a scanner for the office. Any takers?

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Betting Online . . . Illegal or Not??

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Picture lots of beautiful women; some in slinky dresses and high heels, others covered in mud; all dawning large gaudy hats of every color, make and model. No, it’s not a high-tone mud-wrestling match, it is of course, the Kentucky Derby’s “Run for the Roses.” Everything is there from the Millionaire’s circle where the highly dressed women are draped in jewels and the mud covered women are having a blast sucking down Kentucky Whiskey in the infield.
After several mint juleps, placing your wagers based on colors of silks, and a good mud slinging competition, participants will watch the most exciting 2 minutes in sports history.

For those of us who do not own a purple silk tie, spats or a baby blue 18″ brimmed hat with netting, we can still join in on the fun and place our bets. Yup, here’s how and why.
1. Obtain a large HD plasma or LCD television
2. Make sure you have cable or dish
3. Log onto the Kentucky Derby website and place your bet!
http://www.kentuckyderby.com/2009/

According to the United States Code and the FBI’s Website, betting online is illegal, UNLESS, and even though your state may not allow gambling, there is a carved out exception. For example, in Texas, gambling is illegal. In the United States, Internet gambling is illegal, highly illegal. BUT, Texas has an exception carved out specifically for horse racing. So does the United States.

Title 15, Chapter 57-Interstate Horseracing, Section 3001 et. seq. of the United States Code, allows wagering on horse racing in person or electronically. However, make sure your State allows pari mutuel wagers on horse racing as well. Both states, where the bet is placed and where the horse race is held, must allow wagering on horse racing.

So what if you are a fantasy league player??? In the words of Ryan Sechrest on American Idol . . . . YOU’RE SAFE! Or are you? According to the FBI’s website on Internet Crimes, fantasy sports teams are legal, but I would defer to state law before you sign up for that fantasy league! Even better, check with your friendly neighborhood criminal defense lawyer before placing any wagers online!

Next week I’ll give you my pick for the Derby win, the beginning of the triple crown; and an update of what the Supremes are up to in the form of a horse race! (I’m not talking about the singing group either).

Carpe Diem!