Monthly Archives: August 2010

Stop the Aging Process and Lose Weight Now!

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I’m starring down the barrel of 45 . . . age that is. All of a sudden I’m ten years older and ten pounds heavier. I had never had an issue with weight, ever, before now. I was a toothpick growing up. That could have been due to the fact that we had a family of six, and many times seven, and if I didn’t eat fast enough, there was nothing left.  In reality, I would rather eat a bowl of sugar once a day than eat three healthy meals.  Now, if I even think about eating a bowl of sugar I gain a couple of pounds and ten more gray hairs.

I know I’m in the same boat with many aging people, extra weight (commonly known as “Fat”), cellulite (ick!), saggy skin, wrinkles, gray hair, and really need I go on.  And for all you young ladies out there that think you are immune, I have news for you.  I used to be young too.  Such sweet revenge, but still, doesn’t help the fact that my body parts are falling, sagging, wrinkling, growing and/or shrinking.  Once I think I have something under control through a new workout program, then I have to color my hair.  Once that is done, I have to get stronker wrinkle cream. 

There are few options in the battle of the bulge and fighting old age. Here are some ideas that are outside of the box but could have dramatic affects.

1. Get stranded on a desert island. This will certainly cause radical changes in your weight and probably improve your tan. Not sure your skin conditions are going to improve, but you will definitely lose some fat.

2. Start putting 100% of your salary into your 401K. This will leave nothing left for food.

3. Abandon earth and purchase a seat somewhere in space. Your comfort is certainly going to depend on losing some weight, especially if you want to fit into that space suit. We might as well, especially since Iran and Korea continue to threaten nuclear war for no reason whatsoever. Meeting with Professor Hawking anyone?

4. Rob a bank and get caught, or not. Either way, the stress of running from the law and then eventually getting caught and going to prison will cause you not to eat for a long time. However, the consequences are that you will balloon in weight once you start eating all the starchy food served in prison cafeterias. Yuk.

5.  Add Cayenne to every meal.  It will hurt and you will spend a lot of time in the bathroom, but you will lose weight!

6.  Eat some eggs that have one of the following numbers on the carton P-1026, P-1413, and P-1946.  Salmonella will not kill you, but it will make you very ill.

If you have any good suggestions you would like me to add, let me know!!

Carpe Diem

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