I’m skipping right over Christmas as if Rudolph spooked and flew over North America.  Every year I hear disheartening comments decrying the Christmas holiday.  For a lot of people, ’tis the season of stress, overeating and credit card abuse.  And if you don’t submiss to advertisers pleas to lavishly spend on your children, buy a diamond ring or a Lexus, then really, whats the point?  So this year, I am giving Saint Nicholas a vacation, and I’m letting go of the stress caused by a never ending cycle of seeking out the perfect gift that does not exist.  I’m pulling the plug on Christmas.  (Not really, I love giving gifts and visiting with family over the holiday, but for this blog, I’m throwing in the towel.)  It’s time to just let go.  If the Christmas holiday brings you down, then you should pull the plug too.

The Christmas lights are out, but the new year is being pulled around the corner by eight white horses.  To smooth over the loss of a major holiday, and to provide rejuvenation, I came up with a fantastic idea for new year’s eve.  Instead of the usual party horns and champagne, or the burying of deep thoughts in the yard to dig up next year, or the destruction of bad thoughts by burning them in a bonfire in the middle of your living room, ask the people around you for help.

How do we do that?  We allow our loved one(s) to write our new year’s resolutions for us and we write theirs!  That’s right.  Your project for the next two weeks is for you to have the person closest to you write your new year’s resolutions.  Here is the example for women to write for their husbands and boyfriends around the world:

1.  I will always pick up my dirty laundry
2.  I will help with cleaning out the litter box
3.  I will go to the mall with my girlfriend at least three times next year
4.  I will plan more vacations
5.  I will actually go grocery shopping
6.  I will learn what to put in the recycling bin
7.  I will remember that when I am nagged it is because I am not doing items 1-6.

See how easy that is?  I’m sure my boyfriend’s new year’s resolutions for me will look something like this:

1.  I will stop nagging him to clean
2.  I will stop nagging him to clean the litter box
3.  I will not ask him to go for a walk with the dogs
4.  I will not ask him if he is mad at me
5.  I will not ask him if I look fat in those jeans
6.  I will go or watch the equivalent of 200 baseball games with him
7.  I will love the catchers mitt he bought me for Christmas.

I would love to share your lists on the blog.  Hope to see your lists soon.  Just click on “Post a Comment” link to post a comment below. 

Namaste, Carpe Diem and Merry Christmas anyway!

If you were entertained by frozen pizza’s and Saturday Night Live in the late 70’s, you will recognize this line, “Baseball has bin bery bery good to me.”  If there is no recognition, pretend you are a Black comedian pretending to be a baseball player from the Dominican Republic.  It was the age of Gilda Radner and it was funny.  I didn’t get the joke about baseball until Alex Rodriguez betrayed the Texas Rangers for millions of dollars to play for the Yankees.  And although I am not making gazillions of dollars playing shortstop for the Yanks, baseball has been very good to me this year.  This was the first time in my life that I watched baseball with purpose, that I went to the baseball games to cheer a specific player, that I purchased a jersey to show my support for the home team.  I had no idea that 30 attended games and ten pounds later (all from $1 hot dog night at the ball park), that the Texas Rangers would go to the World Series and I would purchase a foam finger.  Wow.  And in reality, my boyfriend made the game come alive.  He rooted for the home team instead of watching 500 other baseball games at the risk of making me feel benched.  He taught me a lot about being a vigilant Rangers fan.  The season is now over, and as I attempt to lose my hot dog buns until next season, I must find other forms of entertainment.

Ah yes, a good old fashioned roller derby.  Awesome stuff.  I went to my first Roller Derby match, bout, mash up, whatever you want to call it, the week before Halloween.  Flashbacks from the 70’s once again, except this time, it’s flat track, it’s fast, it’s a bit crude and there are no ropes separating you from the skaters.  This can be treacherous if your seat is not more than 3 feet off the ground.  The women on a team make up jammers and blockers.  As you can imagine, the jammers are usually small, agile and quick, and the blockers, well, you will see in the background of the picture below.  None of the skaters understand that fishnets and big thighs don’t mix and three feet off the ground is not high enough!  Aside from a little pushing, hip checking and a lot of screaming, it was mostly an underwear show.  The batman underwear was not to be outdone by the half time show in between bouts.  I took a video of roller derby queens dressed as zombies recreating Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.  It was on YouTube until my boyfriend received a threatening email to take it down because of some crazy copyright thingy. Other entertainment was provided by a giant with a dead baby doll.  You will just have to watch football for a real half time show.

Speaking of which, I still love the Dallas Cowboys despite their constant suckitude.  As I was lying in bed after their Sunday night beat down, I asked, “Why doesn’t Jerry Jones fire some people mid season and shake things up?”  The answer given to me was “Because it’s mid-season, teams will wait until the end of the year to change coaching.”  Ha, I guess Jones took my advice.  For now, all I care about is how my fantasy football teams are doing.  That’s right, I said “teams” plural.  I swore last year that I would never play again.  It was a pain in my ass to remember to set my lineup every week.  And God forbid a player had the week off.  Yet here we are mid-season and I have two teams to maintain.  And honestly, I am not doing too bad.  Despite my connection of stupidity to fantasy football, I now enjoy it in a twisted way.  Admittedly, I do not commit a lot of time to my research every week, but I know how to get the information.  Wahaha.  So now on Sunday when I get up, I hang out on the couch in my underwear, scratch myself, check out my lineup and wait for the clock to strike noon.  If I don’t make it to the playoffs, I think I will try out for roller derby.

Don’t worry, I’m still doing yoga, cooking, wearing makeup and high heels and love horses.  Namaste!