As I watched a young mother trying to calm her infant, I had to wonder whether her technique was correct. I have no children so I have nothing to compare her it to. The closest I have been to babies is showing up at a hospital after the birth of a friend or sibling’s baby, holding it for a total of 5 minutes, attempting to change a diaper (which never went well), and then leaving with a smile on my face. I think all those years as a teenaged babysitter of the neighborhood kids, including babies that were just learning to crawl, ruined me. I never wanted children, not even one, if there was the potential for barf, runny poop, and screaming. But I wondered about this baby’ because mom had it all stuffed into some kind of pouch hanging off her front side with only the baby’s legs visible. Mom paced back and forth while her friends sat and watched. She stated, “he (or she) is really fighting sleep.” And I know when I get on the plane they are going to make me take the baby out and turn him around.” Okay, it is now a “he.” The friends all commiserated with her, but honestly, I silently gave an emotional plea for the baby with my facial expressions. Mom tried so hard to get the baby to calm down that I think she rattled his brains and smothered him in her le sac at the same time. I’m sure there are thousands of opinions on how to carry and calm a screaming infant, but I’m pretty sure smothering is not one of them. The kangaroo mom and her friends finally walked off to go annoy the other half of the airport. I couldn’t help but think the mom just couldn’t let go of being pregnant, so she shoved her baby into a burrito bag and strapped him to her belly so she would feel more complete. Whatever technique she was trying did not work because as she walked off, the baby she screamed. I hoped they were not on my plane!
Why is it that most wealthy women seem attractive and skinny and can eat anything they want? I don’t know the answer. I see skinny bitches driving their Mercedes-Benz cars, eating chips and salsa, downing margaritas and wonder where the fat ones went wrong. While sitting next a typical Houstonian, I observed her billionaire husband go fetch nachos and a drink while she manned the expensive luggage, her lip injections,and diamonds. I couldn’t help but notice the rest of us, on our own to wrestle our own luggage, eat nachos and gain 10 pounds, and lose what little dignity we had left after one margarita. Houstonians and wealthy women are not the only skinny bitches. Over the years, I have noticed that 99% of the Asian women in and out of the airport are so thin you can see the outline of their skeleton. Maybe it’s the seaweed. Skinny Asians have one thing in common; they eat seafood and seaweed. Maybe we should cross the DNA of a wealthy woman with an Asian woman and see what we get? I have now started sprinkling seaweed on all of my food. Seaweed results to come later.
The Occasional Traveler
Then there is the “occasional” traveler. The occasional traveler is out-of-place in the airport, and not really sure what to do. Most of them wander aimlessly as if they just landed in America. But the more obnoxious occasional traveler is the one that wants to socialize. They find it necessary to have a noisy telephone conversation with their 65-year-old single friend to analyze men everywhere and ponder why they are still single. Or they want strike up a conversation with someone unsuspecting and unassuming. For example, you are cozily nestled into your airport spot, laptop on lap, coffee in hand. The wanderer plops down in the seat next to you even though there are 500 other empty seats, and just starts talking. Airports should have “no talking zones” for the masses who do not have membership in the Admirals Club. Most travelers have learned the art of not making eye contact, but there is always that sly wanderer that can fool you. In this type of situation, pretend that your cell phone is ringing, and at the risk of brain damage from the cell phone microwaves, put it to your ear and start agreeing with the ghost on the other end of the call.
Last, we cannot be in an airport without observing the style of our fellow travelers. We wonder: “What are they like?” “Why are they here?” and “Who told them that those clothes look good?”. People watching at the airport surpasses Wal-Mart due to the diverse nature of travelers. But it all comes down to a couple of very simple observations: 1. Guys are slow and methodical in their actions, especially going through security, and 2. Women bring entirely too many items to the airport, especially going through security. If you are traveling with a guy, remind him to remove his belt, his change, his shoes, and all of the extra items including batteries that he stuffed into his pockets. This is not a trip to a Boy Scout camp, it’s the airport. And if you are traveling with a woman, remind her that she doesn’t need to carry with her three different moisturizers, five lip glosses and her electric toothbrush. All of those things can be checked thereby avoiding a long delay trying to figure out what is vibrating and which liquid is bound to contain a bomb. And by the way, skinny jeans do NOT look good on anyone unless you are Asian!
Happy Trails and Carpe Diem!