Listen up gals and guys – this is a mini crash course in women are from venus and men are from mars – or whatever the name of that book is.

Some people, not just women, like to talk. Nowadays there is a variety of virtual outlets for people to get it all out. For example, Facebook, Myspace, YouTube and much more. In fact, this subject warrants a separate blog on another day, including appropriate manners while on one of these networking websites. It’s more like being in an internet bar 15 minutes before closing time. Everyone’s high from instant messaging and wondering who is going to take them home tonight.

However, here, now, tonight while I sit in a swanky hotel in the middle of downtown Chicago, I’m going to provide my very own Top 10 (or 9 or 11) reasons why my boyfriend wants me to stop talking. Maybe we can all learn from this.

No. 10 – He’s watching football. It doesn’t matter what I say, if it does not include the word “football” I might as well talk to myself.

No. 9 – He’s watching baseball. Id.

No. 8 – It’s Sunday and football is about to start. Need I say more.

No. 7 – It’s 5 minutes until noon on Sunday and he has to set up his fantasy football team (s), and he does not have time to get into a conversation or debate about the latest store at the mall.

No. 6 – He never wants to hear about the mall, no matter what day of the week or what time it is. (Yes, there is more substance to him than just football.)

No. 5 – He’s had a long day and is hungry. Oh wait, as long as there is food involved, he will listen.

No. 4 – It’s time to go to sleep. Oh wait, he’s snoring, guess I can go back to talking to the wall now.

No. 3 – At the gym. When he’s lifting something that is 5 times his weight, he definitely does not want to hear about my best friend’s melodrama.

No. 2 – When I’m stepping out of the shower. Talking is definitely not going to be on his mind, but no matter what I say, he will think its great.

No. 1 – Did I mention while watching a football or baseball game, or any other sporting event for that matter?!

Just remember, there is always space available for free on the Internet where you can talk all day. You will not be interrupting anyone, blocking a football game on TV, or keeping anyone awake.

Carpe Diem!

Do you ever notice that we all use sayings to make a point or appear knowledgeable? Do we really know what they mean? Mindlessly, we agree with the saying, and move on.

It all started this morning while I was standing in the kitchen deciding whether to cook breakfast or be lazy and go to Sol’s Taco Lounge. EV said, “The world is our oyster.” We looked at each other, and he said “What does that really mean?” I thought about it, and my reply was “if the oyster closes, we’re screwed!” Isn’t there a scary movie, like the Killer Oyster under the Sea . . . or some ridiculous version of that story? What does “the world is your oyster” mean?? Oysters are so small?

I moved on and decided to create my own breakfast. I started by browning Italian sausage, whipping half a dozen eggs, milk and cheese. Then I stuck it all in a pie pan and baked it for 15 minutes on 375. Then I served it with toasted rustic Italian bread. Not sure what to call it but it was delish!!

Then I thought about one of my favorite cooking shows. I found it on the Internet to show EV. The chef is a beautiful, thin Italian woman. Thus, making me think of the saying “never trust a skinny chef.” Now who said that? I think that saying should be banned at this point. Maybe skinny chefs don’t cook with trans fats? What is Paula Dean gonna’ do when they outlaw butter? Holy cow!

“A stitch in time saves nine.” This just needs to be reworded. Maybe this works: “Address it now, or you will waste a lot of time later.” Okay, it doesn’t rhyme, but it makes sense.

“He who has it not in his head must have it in his feet.” This was said by Ben Franklin. I actually had to get an explanation of this saying, but many of you reading this are so smart that I’m sure you have it figured out.

Here are some others that are arcane, although we often understand what they mean:
“Stop beating around the bush.” What was this person beating? Why didn’t they just say, “get to the point.”
“Mind your Ps and Qs.” What was P and Q doing? Were they on a crime spree?

Then EV made a really good point. For a lot of trite sayings there is a controverting trite saying. for example:
“He who hesitates is lost,” but you are supposed to “look before you leap.” For the love of God what am I supposed to do?

There are thousands of sayings and proverbs, so I leave you with my favorite saying, “If you break your leg, don’t come running to me.” It’s so very simple but yet funny. If Foghorn Leghorn knew me, he would say, “You’re built too low. The fast ones go over your head.”

If you have a crazy saying that is unintelligible, let me know and we will blog about it!