If you were wondering what to do with those old thank you cards embellished with smiley faces and rainbows purchased ten years ago at a garage sale for .50, wonder no longer.  Its time to write those thank you notes, even for those not so thoughtful or eccentric gifts.  Therefore, I present “Thank U’s From Hell.”

Scenario 1:
Your boy/girl friend, husband/wife, significant other waited until Christmas Eve to take the time to shop.  Note, they did not ponder, they went directly to the shopping.  The only problem is he/she waited until 11:45 pm on the eve of Christmas to make sure you were asleep.  Once they confirmed your dream induced state, they slipped out of the house and found the closest 24-hour drug store or convenience store.  So now you are the proud owner of a Snuggy with purple dinosaurs pictured on it, Oakland Raiders’ slippers, a pocket knife, a tire gauge, and some left over Halloween candy.  Now, now, its the thought that counts.

“Dear Bob/Dolores, thank you so much for the crap you bought me on Christmas Eve.  I love it.  Next time you might want to let the car warm up so it doesn’t back fire on your way to 7-11.”
Love . . . .

Scenario 2
A co-worker, and strictly a co-worker, gives you  a handcrafted piece of work from their 4 year old child, grandchild, niece, nephew or nanny’s child, grandchild . . .  Unfortunately you have no idea what it is, what it is supposed to be, what its function is, if any, and would have preferred a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“Dear Harry/Linda, thank you so much for the prize.  It is proudly displayed at my home.”  Need I say more.

Scenario 3
Your book club decided to spend yet another week not discussing the book you chose, and have a secret Santa party.  Yeah!  Everyone quickly prepared for the party by drawing names, setting a price limit and immediately ditching the book, “The Cat Who Came for Christmas” for the third year in a row.  Darn.  The party arrives, the wine flows, and the gifts are passed out.  Despite your attempt to elicit very specific gifts within the price limit, your secret Santa went all out.  The sheer surprise on your face was joy enough for your secret Santa when you unwrapped your new shampoo and raw diet book.  Just what you wanted, to starve to death and smell good doing it.

“Dear Kelly/Frank, thank you so much for the thoughtful gifts.  I’m sure I will love the Kumquat & Brown Spice shampoo.  I will be sure to share some yummies from the new raw diet book if I don’t eat it first.  Hee hee, just a joke.  Love Kathy Bates.”

As we get older, that old saying starts to have true meaning, “if you want something done you have to do it yourself.”  So if you want the magic of Christmas, forgot it.

Carpe Diem from Hell!
C

‘Tis the Sunday before Christmas, and all through the US, the shoppers are crazy to find the best.  Now only six days left to find the perfect gift, you can’t disappoint or you will hear a rift.  So settle down and don’t risk your life, just go green and dismiss the mall hype.  With a list of how too’s and magic in the air, create lots of jolliness without any despair.  Now I am done with my poem and have no more to share, consider the list of greenness that is more than fair.  And Merry Christmas to all from here, until I email you again in the new year!

Done with driving, fighting traffic, no available parking, long lines?  Why do we do this to ourselves every year?  I am working on going green, and I will admit its hard.  In line with gardening and recycling, I tried to incorporate some greenness (and not in a Scrooge way), into Christmas.  Instead of creating more pollution, here’s how we can take advantage of America’s love for over consumption while giving great gifts. 

1. RE GIFTING.  Admit it, you probably have some really nice things that you will never use, do not like, or have no clue how to put them to use.  They are taking up space in your cabinets.  Or maybe you are a hoarder.  Stop hording and give a little.  I would be willing to place a bet that even Queen Elizabeth has re gifted.

2.  JOEY’S GIFT EXCHANGE.  My cousin Joey must have full credit for this idea, and I think it is awesome.  Have a Christmas party and exchange.  This is not necessarily a gift exchange or white elephant.  It is where you bring unused or unwanted and unwrapped items (you are not re gifting) from your house.  Everyone sets them out.  Some people will find things they can use others will not.  But the point is that the unused items in your house will be appreciated.  You spend no money on buying gifts, but yet you make someone else happy, and potentially find something really cool that you want.

3. BUY PRODUCTS WITH LESS PACKAGING.  There are lots of products on the market, including toys, with a lot of unnecessary and environmentally unfriendly packaging.  Buy products with the least amount of packaging as gifts, like toilet paper.  People always need it and will always use it!

4.  SHOP ESTATE SALES.  Real estate sales are a treasure trove of stuff.  When old people die or are moved off to a nursing home, their stuff is often sold off.  A true estate sale can contain 50 years or more of stuff including gifts they never re gifted that their own families do not want.  You can find silver, china, sports memorabilia, and doilies.  All good choices for someone on your list.

5.  MOVIE EXCHANGE.  Have a movie exchange with your friends or family.  Now is your chance to get rid of all those movies you have watched over and over or those porno flics you have been hiding in the closet.  Come on guys, you know you have purchased some tacky movies from time to time.

6. MAKE SOMETHING.  Think you can’t make something?  Wrong, you definitely can create something.  I have been to several art studios to with lots of expensive “art” that looks like a 5 year old put it together.  You can compile a bunch of crap, glue it all together, and call it a masterpiece.  Give the gift of art that will never go away.  Make sure you use materials that will not compost and can be sealed so it will stand the test of time.  This will truly test how gracious the recipient is, but also recycles materials that would otherwise be sitting in the garage, the shed or the trash.

Over the next six days, one of the six ideas above will help you have a Green Christmas.  I think I will make this a tradition!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

p.s.  On a more serious note, if you do not have a Kindle or cannot afford to purchase one, you can download the Kindle software for free on your PC.  So if you receive or giving the gift of Amazon, remember to share the free Kindle for PC software.

Carpe Diem