“My hearing aid is in the printer” is not exactly what a person expects to wake up hearing first thing in the morning.  It’s cold, you are wet from the shower, have no clothing on yet, can’t be late to work, and the old person in the house has already been up since 5:30 in the morning waiting.  Now you have to figure out how to remove a hearing aid from the printer.  

Life is full of curve balls and as we age, new and unexpected curve balls arise.  Aging is the reverse of puberty, and comedians have been making fun of both for centuries.  Are you experiencing stiffness in your joints, muscle weakness, saggy skin, blurry eyesight, raspy vocals, gray hair?  If so, you are falling apart or you are aging and it’s not really funny.  So, it’s necessary to have empathy for the older folks in our lives.  They used to be as vibrant and cellulite free as we are today.  Who knows what is actually rattling around in their brains, but I’m sure they are not expecting to drop something in the sink, the toilet or the printer.  If you have a big heart and are caring for an elderly family member and hear things like, “I fell in the toilet, can you help me out please”, you deserve a gold medal. Especially if you wipe.

Aside from the potential for injury from a toilet fall, you have to consider things that could really cause life-threatening injuries to the elderly you care for and those around them. For instance, steps anywhere, dancing poles that were installed in your house in the 80’s or 90’s, glass and metal coffee tables, small pets, and of course cars. When your elderly guest walks out to their car numerous times in a ten minute period to look for his pillow and blanket, further consideration to hiding the keys should be taken. Black eyes, broken glass, squished puppies and wrecked cars are not good for the soul. If the elderly cannot remember how to defrost the windows in their gigantic Ford LTD, it is likely they are not going to remember which lever is the gear shift and which one is the blinker!  A Smart car may not fare well against a Ford LTD doing 45 miles per hour through an intersection.

If you wake up with beautiful peace and quiet in the mornings, and never hear the sound of a garage door crashing in because your grandfather missed the brake peddle, then you are lucky.  And since all you have to worry about is your own aging; fear not, there are life-changing, confidence altering products and procedures at every turn.  For instance, there are:  non-surgical face lifts, teeth implants, hair plugs, liposuction, scores of supplements, creams and concoctions, Viagra, permanent makeup, singles clubs for those over 55, and Florida, where everyone has the same hairdo and a Ford LTD. So do not despair. 

If you are in despair, read this paragraph.  There was a recent story on NPR about a female author who decided it was time to die and killed herself.  Unfortunately, I have been unable to locate the story or the name of the author, but I vividly recall the interview with her daughter.  The daughter relayed her mother’s decision years before her death (like an army of authors before her) that at some point in her life, her life would have no point and she would kill herself.  She did not want to burden her family, and at the age of 70, was going to off herself.  Well, her family worried for years while waiting with anticipation, and fortunately, at the age of 70, she changed her mind.  Seven years later, after writing a book about aging, she finally followed through on her promise while her family was not expecting it, and killed herself.  As much as it may be a weenie move and inconsiderate, it can also be perceived as a bold move and considerate.  Nobody has to take her car away, rearrange their home and furniture, hide the Chihuahua to avoid its early accidental demise, or dig a hearing aid out of a printer. 

Do you consider that a bold move or is it so Virginia Woolf?  Is there really a right way to do die and a wrong way to die?  Either way, someone is going to be upset, but you know the saying, “You cannot make everybody happy all of the time.”  Tacky I know, but it is just one of many catch 22’s we find ourselves in through life.  It’s just an option.

Instead of suicide, aging gracefully, peacefully, and accepting the weaknesses we will experience seems easier in the end.  Getting our brains to cooperate will make aging even more peaceful and pleasant.  Keeping my hopes up as I plan to visit my grandmother for her 101st birthday without my Chihuahua . . . Carpe Diem!
 

Yes indeed, it’s another installment of “Thank You Notes from Hell.”  Now mind you, I am not making these up, I am merely sharing them.  They probably have a different effect on everyone, but for some reason, they make me giddy.  So here we go:

1.  Thank you to the person who brought the crappy gift to the White Elephant party, not realizing that maybe it was the only gift some of us were going to get this year.  I can’t wait to use my $5.99 Eggonator this weekend!

2.  Thank you to the office drunk for livening up with Christmas party. Without you we would not have a broken copier, a mysterious pair of shoes and tie in the kitchen, smudge marks on the conference room table, and a myriad of rumors to spread for years to come.

Switching gears from the holidays and on to the new year:

3.  The pharmaceutical companies want to thank God for all the beautiful blue skies, trees, grasses, wind, clouds, rain and snow.  For without nature, there would be no pollen, mold, and any kind of floating spore that ultimately creates allergies.  Without allergies, people would not be miserable and run down or able to easily catch a cold, a virus, the flu or strep throat or any combination of two or three of these illnesses.  Without allergies, colds, viruses, flu or strep throat, the evil people at CVS who hate their jobs would not sell truck loads of Allegra, Advil, Sudafed, and Mucinex.  So thank you so much!

3.  The pharmaceutical companies also want to thank God for all the great sales they are having this winter season.  Joining them in the Thank You’s are all the marketing firms hired by the pharmaceutical companies.

And, we cannot leave without saying thank you to the hard working Republican candidates:

4.  Thank you to Rick Perry for making us all feel better about ourselves.

5.  Ron Paul sent a special thank you to all of the citizens of Iowa and to the Men’s Warehouse for shipping a proper fitting suit to him in New Hampshire.

Last but not least, three special Thank You’s from down below:

6. The devil wants to say thank you to Newt Gingrich for converting to Catholicism in 2009 after his adulterous affair with his now current wife while he was investigating Clinton’s affair.  The devil is thrilled to have a constituent in the Catholic church, and has been campaigning for Newt’s nomination underground for years now. He started with yard signs, but they are too charred for anyone to read, so he has begun a grass-roots campaign going door-to-door and truly enjoys it.

7. The devil also wants to say thank you to Michele Bachmann for finally getting off the campaign trail for the Republican nomination.  He had high hopes for her, but saw the flame fading.

8.  And not to be one-sided, all of the military commanders want to thank President Obama for an unwanted early retirement due to the end of all wars.  Now they can joint the ranks of the unemployed.  Look at their faces.

Well, so long for now.  Feel free to yell at me or share your thank you notes from hell.

Carpe Diem.