If you were entertained by frozen pizza’s and Saturday Night Live in the late 70’s, you will recognize this line, “Baseball has bin bery bery good to me.”  If there is no recognition, pretend you are a Black comedian pretending to be a baseball player from the Dominican Republic.  It was the age of Gilda Radner and it was funny.  I didn’t get the joke about baseball until Alex Rodriguez betrayed the Texas Rangers for millions of dollars to play for the Yankees.  And although I am not making gazillions of dollars playing shortstop for the Yanks, baseball has been very good to me this year.  This was the first time in my life that I watched baseball with purpose, that I went to the baseball games to cheer a specific player, that I purchased a jersey to show my support for the home team.  I had no idea that 30 attended games and ten pounds later (all from $1 hot dog night at the ball park), that the Texas Rangers would go to the World Series and I would purchase a foam finger.  Wow.  And in reality, my boyfriend made the game come alive.  He rooted for the home team instead of watching 500 other baseball games at the risk of making me feel benched.  He taught me a lot about being a vigilant Rangers fan.  The season is now over, and as I attempt to lose my hot dog buns until next season, I must find other forms of entertainment.

Ah yes, a good old fashioned roller derby.  Awesome stuff.  I went to my first Roller Derby match, bout, mash up, whatever you want to call it, the week before Halloween.  Flashbacks from the 70’s once again, except this time, it’s flat track, it’s fast, it’s a bit crude and there are no ropes separating you from the skaters.  This can be treacherous if your seat is not more than 3 feet off the ground.  The women on a team make up jammers and blockers.  As you can imagine, the jammers are usually small, agile and quick, and the blockers, well, you will see in the background of the picture below.  None of the skaters understand that fishnets and big thighs don’t mix and three feet off the ground is not high enough!  Aside from a little pushing, hip checking and a lot of screaming, it was mostly an underwear show.  The batman underwear was not to be outdone by the half time show in between bouts.  I took a video of roller derby queens dressed as zombies recreating Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.  It was on YouTube until my boyfriend received a threatening email to take it down because of some crazy copyright thingy. Other entertainment was provided by a giant with a dead baby doll.  You will just have to watch football for a real half time show.

Speaking of which, I still love the Dallas Cowboys despite their constant suckitude.  As I was lying in bed after their Sunday night beat down, I asked, “Why doesn’t Jerry Jones fire some people mid season and shake things up?”  The answer given to me was “Because it’s mid-season, teams will wait until the end of the year to change coaching.”  Ha, I guess Jones took my advice.  For now, all I care about is how my fantasy football teams are doing.  That’s right, I said “teams” plural.  I swore last year that I would never play again.  It was a pain in my ass to remember to set my lineup every week.  And God forbid a player had the week off.  Yet here we are mid-season and I have two teams to maintain.  And honestly, I am not doing too bad.  Despite my connection of stupidity to fantasy football, I now enjoy it in a twisted way.  Admittedly, I do not commit a lot of time to my research every week, but I know how to get the information.  Wahaha.  So now on Sunday when I get up, I hang out on the couch in my underwear, scratch myself, check out my lineup and wait for the clock to strike noon.  If I don’t make it to the playoffs, I think I will try out for roller derby.

Don’t worry, I’m still doing yoga, cooking, wearing makeup and high heels and love horses.  Namaste!

I’m starring down the barrel of 45 . . . age that is. All of a sudden I’m ten years older and ten pounds heavier. I had never had an issue with weight, ever, before now. I was a toothpick growing up. That could have been due to the fact that we had a family of six, and many times seven, and if I didn’t eat fast enough, there was nothing left.  In reality, I would rather eat a bowl of sugar once a day than eat three healthy meals.  Now, if I even think about eating a bowl of sugar I gain a couple of pounds and ten more gray hairs.

I know I’m in the same boat with many aging people, extra weight (commonly known as “Fat”), cellulite (ick!), saggy skin, wrinkles, gray hair, and really need I go on.  And for all you young ladies out there that think you are immune, I have news for you.  I used to be young too.  Such sweet revenge, but still, doesn’t help the fact that my body parts are falling, sagging, wrinkling, growing and/or shrinking.  Once I think I have something under control through a new workout program, then I have to color my hair.  Once that is done, I have to get stronker wrinkle cream. 

There are few options in the battle of the bulge and fighting old age. Here are some ideas that are outside of the box but could have dramatic affects.

1. Get stranded on a desert island. This will certainly cause radical changes in your weight and probably improve your tan. Not sure your skin conditions are going to improve, but you will definitely lose some fat.

2. Start putting 100% of your salary into your 401K. This will leave nothing left for food.

3. Abandon earth and purchase a seat somewhere in space. Your comfort is certainly going to depend on losing some weight, especially if you want to fit into that space suit. We might as well, especially since Iran and Korea continue to threaten nuclear war for no reason whatsoever. Meeting with Professor Hawking anyone?

4. Rob a bank and get caught, or not. Either way, the stress of running from the law and then eventually getting caught and going to prison will cause you not to eat for a long time. However, the consequences are that you will balloon in weight once you start eating all the starchy food served in prison cafeterias. Yuk.

5.  Add Cayenne to every meal.  It will hurt and you will spend a lot of time in the bathroom, but you will lose weight!

6.  Eat some eggs that have one of the following numbers on the carton P-1026, P-1413, and P-1946.  Salmonella will not kill you, but it will make you very ill.

If you have any good suggestions you would like me to add, let me know!!

Carpe Diem