People – Go Figure

Oh where to begin, I just hope these travel lessons offer guidance, or at least make you laugh at our missteps.

Day 1 – 6/18: I’m excited and headed to the airport with my boyfriend… wait we got married a few weeks ago… my husband at the wheel. I usually regret this part because I am not a good passenger, and he drives like he’s on a racetrack. Anyway, we make it to the airport without breaking up and once I’m curbside, I take a big deep breath! I’m alive and over two hours early for a 2 hour flight.

Bag checked, boarding pass on cell phone, pit stop completed, coffee in hand, hugs, hellos to my friend Shannon. As we talk, our friend, Fern’s plane has landed at our airport and is taxiing to a gate. Another relief, her plane was early. That means the five miles from her terminal to our terminal will be a cake walk.

Lessons: • Be early to the airport and have a Real ID. If you travel and do not have a Real ID by now, I can only assume you live under a rock. • Consider checking your bag so other passengers don’t have to endure the pre menopausal counter-agent’s threats. • Take Uber. • Buy food and drinks just in case … this from boyfriend’s, now husband, horrible trip home a few months ago where the pilot had to turn the plane around and land somewhere else. Passengers sat on the plane for hours with no food or drink service waiting for the airport to allow them to deplane. Be prepared people. Now husband scored a snack from a kind woman who felt sorry for him and gave him crackers she had hidden up her sleeve. That’s planning.

6/18 – Our plane lands in Albuquerque, nice small airport, similar to the plane. Get bags, take shuttle five minutes to rental car lot. Kind of makes me laugh since I am used to a giant airport. Rental car guy, “Your $506 five day rental will be $1,147.” WTF!

Lessons – Even though you got a great deal when you booked, don’t forget to check the tax rates, extra taxes for being a female driver, prepaid gas at $10 a gallon, extra driver fees plus taxes, airport taxes, etc. Basically, calculate double the rental so you have a realistic picture if you are on a budget. I’m just glad we didn’t rent a roller skate because we almost had to sleep in it.

6/18 – We head to our first stop, Santuario de Chimayo. Historical, and they have Jesus Snow cones. In the old chapel there is a hole in the ground that contains holy dirt. We rub holy dirt on ourselves hoping it will start the trip off right.

Next, we drive through the mountains to our destination. Gorgeous scenery until we get into the VRBO neighborhood we are staying in, a little sketchy. What’s going on in that abandoned trailer home? Find VRBO, find key, bring luggage in. Look at VRBO description on website again, and begin investigation. We knew there was no air conditioner, but hey we are in the mountains and coming from a region where it already hit 99º with 70% humidity, we figured this would be a step up. We also know what a “swamp cooler” is, which there were supposed to be 2, along with necessary water. In this rambling, pieced together, 5 room old adobe house, there was 1 swamp cooler. So the next mystery was where to put it and where each of us would sleep. Sadly, I got the view out the kitchen window (no shades) of the busted out nasty trailer home. The VRBO owner is telling us to sleep with all the doors and windows open to help the swamp cooler. She has got to be high. Three women, alone, strange hood where serial killers can easily see through the windows. Hot temps or not, the windows and doors are locked for the night. Now we just have to get over our fear of scorpions, mosquitos (which already bit the hell out of us), spiders, and rattle snakes. We didn’t even think about the wasps….until the next morning.

Lessons – Go with your instincts because holy dirt didn’t work. If someone only shows pictures of artwork and patios, something is wrong with the property. Even if they have a good rating, dig deep. Our VRBO had the same bad reviews we had within 2 hours: Bad electric (took us two hours to make coffee and 8 hours to charge a tablet to 60%); holes in the screens, sketch hood, and a ceiling fan so close to the ceiling it couldn’t actually operate. Who the hell thinks this place is cute? And worse, the host chastised someone for leaving a bad review!

Day 2 – 6/19: With very little coffee and one charged phone, we decide to go on our pre-planned off-road adventure in the mountains. Problem? No, unless it’s trail maintenance day and the cost of the 4×4 equals the costs of the rental car. Alas, adventure awaits. We drive what trails we can until we encounter the steepest hill we have ever seen without being on a roller coaster. We had no faith the 4-wheeler we had would get us back up the mountain, only images of it rolling backwards, flipping over, and killing all of us.

This was our cue to take a break, enjoy the scenery around us and throw human ashes. Yup, I said ashes. Shannon’s husband died a little over a year ago. She brought three wooden, compostable tubes containing her husband’s ashes. We tested the wind, I think, said a few words (her husband was amazing, adorable and a kind human so it was a big loss for mankind), unscrewed our wooden tubes, and threw the ashes forward off a slope. Except the wind kicked up, so basically we threw Tom in our faces, hair and clothes. Time to drive back.

Still 6/19 – We are hot, bored, and have ashes in our eyes, so we head for the closest ice cream store. Looking forward to a cone, we start eating and realize we are eating non-dairy ice cream. WTF. As we sit on a bench with drippy, gritty non-dairy shit, we are thinking the exact same thing, “We cannot go back to the VRBO.”

Lessons – Ashes in your eye can cause a stye. 4×4’s do not use a lot of gas. Non-dairy ice cream sucks.

6/19 – We make the decision to make a hotel reservation in another town. The hotel room supposedly has two beds and a roll-away bed. Back to the VRBO to pack, load car, and flee, but call host first. After a lot of back and forth and a little preview of what our review will look like, Host/Owner agrees to cancel the reservation and issue a refund. Except we learn that VRBO is not having it, or maybe owner changed her mind. Either way, a flurry of phone calls ensue as we drive leave our original destination. As Shannon is explaining the issues to a VRBO representative, who is on another continent, we don’t want to lose cell service. Fern yells “pull over!” and I immediately pull off the highway. Fortuitously, we have just arrived at the Rio Grande Gorge. And man was it beautiful!

6/19 – We arrive at hotel, with doors facing out, hungry and opt to eat first. I think we didn’t want to face the possibilities that awaited us in our hotel room. Athough due to the teen hostess being lost in space, we almost left. While the gerbils in her head were waking up, we walked around her to an empty bar for a great meal, even though it was Applebee’s. Eventually we lug our crap up to the second floor of the hotel, and find two small beds and no room for anything else. Not sure how this happened, but I get elected to sleep on the floor. This is only possible after we move the desk out of the way. Oh, and the air conditioner didn’t work! It was set on 69 and barely got to 80 by the next morning.

Lessons – Most 800 numbers for hotel reservations are third-party booking companies that don’t know shit. They will promise you the world, including A/C and any sleeping arrangements you desire, then send you to the Bates Motel. Call the hotel chain or a travel agent instead.

Day 3 – 6/20: None of us slept. Hotel floors are really hard. We zombie walk to breakfast to find a packed house! Did they let the homeless in? Find a table that was setup in a closet and have to fight to keep people away. I’m tagged with letting the hotel staff know the A/C doesn’t work and the floor is hard. They agree and offer to move us to another room with 2 very small beds and a desk. We decline and they happily agree to refund our money. But now we have to find a hotel.

We call a few places, mainly 800 booking numbers because we have not learned our lesson. We hear the Quality Inn has two beds and a sofa bed. I reserve. We’re confident we have a great place to stay and spend the day hopping around town and sightseeing. Tired and hot, we arrive at the hotel and observe that there are doors facing out. We just sit in the car in the porte cochere. We have a gut feeling and we can read each other really well by this point. I go in and learn, two small beds and no room for anything else, including a body on the floor. I beg for a refund. Clerk agrees, but I have to call a guy on another continent and have that guy call the front desk Clerk so he can swear it is legit so we can cancel our reservation. At this point, we love our rental car and are eyeing where in the car we are each going to sleep.

Lessons – Rent a great car that has utility. And be weary of hotels with the doors to the outside, unless you are a fearless guy or a hooker.

6/20 – Evening time is approaching and we have two hours to get somewhere, unpack, and get ready for the rodeo. The pro rodeo is in town making it harder to find a place to stay. We make another flurry of phone calls and find another hotel. I think it was through one of those horrible 800 numbers, but I made the woman swear on her mother’s life there was a sofa bed. We show up to the hotel with rooms that have doors to the inside. We now have a “villa” which means it has a living room, kitchenette, bedroom and bathroom. We’ll take it! Fortunately, any combination of the two of us can fit in a king bed with room to spare. This was a huge step up.

Lessons – Make reservation people swear on their mother’s lives. Check for air conditioning and don’t be afraid to share, that’swhat a friend’s trip is all about.

6/20 – Rodeo time. We decide on dinner at the rodeo. I use the word “dinner” loosely here because the options are limited. Fern orders the largest carton of potato chips on earth (larger than her head). I’ve never seen a bag of potato chips re-fried and served up, but I’m guessing that’s what they did. It deserved a Texas State Fair award. Shannon ordered the longest corn dog I have ever laid eyes on, and I settled for a the real deal, a burger. And as rodeos go, it had all the usual stuff: clowns, cowboys, horses, steers, mutton busting, and rodeo queens. Just so you know, Mutton Busting is where you put a kid on the back of a sheep and then let the sheep go. You time how long the kid can hang on while the sheep runs for its life. Most kids hit the dirt within seconds and some get run over. Don’t worry, the kids wear a helmet and the sheep are only about 100 pounds. Jesus parents, really? And let’s not forget about the rodeo queens. As my friends so eloquently summed up the rodeo, it was the “ta ta” show. That’s all folks. By 8:45 p.m. we were ready for bed.

Lessons – Pay extra for a good hotel room first, eat before you go to the rodeo, and don’t worry about a bra, you don’t need it.

6/21 – We wake up feeling ready for the day because we slept not fearing for our lives, sweating or worried about being stung by a scorpion. We actually make coffee AND breakfast. First order of business was to cancel our horseback trail ride. Since we had to flee our VRBO, we didn’t want to drive back and forth four hours for a two hour trail ride. Anyone need a gift certificate for a trail ride? We head back to town to Loretto Chapel to stare at stairs. Then to the Georgia O’Keeffe museum-always a great way to beat the heat.

Lessons – *Flowers are not always disguised vaginas and vice versa. *Buy tickets before going to museums-they were packed. *Don’t forget to pay for parking. Yup, got a parking ticket because I was too busy congratulating myself on my excellent parallel parking, and I forgot to pay. What a dumb ass.

6/21 – Hit the pool! This hotel is greatness. Plan our next day: a hike, a trip to a pueblo and a picnic with a possible side trip to Gene Hackman’s house. We make dinner knowing we have to eat the rest of the food in the fridge. We were thrifty and spent $118 on groceries for three days, but maybe too thrifty. Fern comes up with a brilliant idea to buy an ice pack and use it to wrap up all the picnic food in paper bags instead of buying a cooler we can’t bring home. Then, we play poker!

Lessons – At this point we are learning that the best laid plans are not always workable, but that food does stay cool in a paper bag with a good ice pack. Most hotels with doors to the inside will have a deck of cards you can borrow or buy. We used all of the sugar packets next to the closed down breakfast bar as our poker chips. Shhh.

6/22 – Drive to Dale Ball Trail for hiking. As we maneuvered through what appeared to be a very nice neighborhood, we pass one house with three sheriff’s cars and the posse outside waiting on something. We ponder what happened but move on.

We arrive in the park and walk in circles looking for Dale’s balls but find only twigs. We obviously misunderstood the flyer. As we drove back through the neighborhood to find a place to picnic – because our plans were not really concrete as we had no clue where we were – we see a crime scene van at the same house with the sheriff’s posse. Cool! Sadly we never found out what happened and we had to scrap the plan to go to Gene Hackman’s house. His house was about 45 minutes away and in a secure, gated community. There was no way we were getting in. Crime scenes are off the table for this tour. Then pool!!!

Lessons – Make a plan and have good GPS. At one point, we were rolling around someone’s backyard trying to figure out where Dale’s balls were.

6/22 – Evening and time to pack. We have to leave by 6:30 a.m. to make sure we get to the airport on time to drop the car, get through security, check a bag and board. We eat as much food as we can for dinner. We decide on avocado toast for breakfast. Everyone is packed and it’s time to hit the pool hall. This hotel is great, they have a pool table that’s actually level and doesn’t include assholes. The hotel clerk probably thought we were sailors from listening to us the last two nights between the poker and the pool. They were likely checking our departure date.

6/23 – Rise and shine! Jesus it’s only 5:45 a.m. and it’s Monday. We get up, scramble to pack the car, forget all about the avocado toast – we were so close. Not knowing what the morning commute is like, we decide to leave by 6:30 a.m. It’s 7:30 a.m. and we are at the airport. In another 5 minutes, we will be at our departing gate where our plane will eventually leave at 10:30 a.m.

Lessons – The Albuquerque airport is small, there is no need to be three hours early, so enjoy the avocado toast.

We are all ready to get home, especially to sleep in our beds. What a fantastic trip it was with two beautiful, fun and amazing friends. Without my friends this trip would have sucked.

Lessons – friends make everything better.

Carpe Diem

It’s the holidays! For Italians like me, it’s time to cook like your life depends on it. So grab your family’s favorite stained and torn fifty-year-old cookbook and go wild! I’m a little more modern and rely on my mom and The Sopranos Family Cookbook, of course. This cookbook always makes me nostalgic, as much as Tony Soprano can make a person nostalgic. As I was leafing through it to find the eggplant parm recipe, it made me think of my parents and their relationship to the show The Sopranos.

My family moved from New York to Texas in the 70’s. After raising their children, my parents left their home of 20+ years, a sports car, a checkbook, and all of their adult children back in Texas to start a new life in oil country, Oklahoma. They left one adult child in the family home with the car and the checkbook, and then called the rest of us once a week.

For awhile, I was diligent about driving to Oklahoma to see them. In fact, I knew the route and the posted speed limits so well that I managed to visit them for years using a car with a broken speedometer with only one speeding ticket. It was in a speed trap and a completely bogus ticket I might add. What an f’n bubba that cop was.

When I couldn’t visit, I would call my parents regularly in the evenings to chat. At some point my parents got HBO. I would call, and the call would end abruptly with “We are watching The Sopranos, and will call you back.” Then later, “We are watching Six Feet Under, and will call you back.”

I didn’t have HBO at the time, so I was puzzled. After months of them telling me they would call me back, I finally asked what the fascination was with The Sopranos. They told me that I should watch it, and that was it. Then I asked them what the fascination was with Six Feet Under, and they told me it was a great show and I should watch it.

Years later, I finally watched every season of both shows. I then saw the immediate draw to The Sopranos. It was like watching my own family without the mafia ties or hidden guns and money in the attic. We had other problems in our attic, like ghosts, according to my mom, and the guns were in the closet. Paulie Walnuts, in real life, spent some time with my cousins as his Aunt lived next door. His Aunt was a very sweet lady who I remember fondly as a small child. Remember, we left New York long before this show came out, but the comparisons of the characters on the show to my own family members did not escape me.

Fast forward to January 10, 2024 (coming soon) and we will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of The Sopranos. Hard to believe! My dad is the Tony Soprano of my life: fat, can scare the shit out of you with his stare, loves his family, guns, cigars and Italian sausage, and wears a pinky ring. And my mom is the perfect Catholic Italian wife and mother who can cook a mean sausage and peppers and the best tomato sauce.

If you want a taste of what it is like to grow up Sopranos, get a copy of The Sopranos Family Cookbook and start your first batch of tomato sauce. You will need a big stock pot and a lot of Italian bread. Start simmering your sauce, put a good football game on, and every time you stir the sauce, dip some Italian bread in and take a bite. The aroma of simmering tomato sauce, the sounds of a football game and men snoring, always reminds me of Christmas … and every Sunday growing up.

Merry Christmas y’all and Happy New Year. Carpe Diem!